Seattle Sun Newspaper - Vol. 8, Issue 5, May 2004

Copyright 2004 Jane Lotter. Do not use without written permission.

JANE EXPLAINS:

Spring screaming time

By JANE LOTTER

It's Saturday morning, and I'm lying on my stomach on the kitchen floor of my lovely, if dirt-encrusted, charming brick Tudor in Maple Leaf. I'm doing this because it is spring cleaning time or, as I like to call it, spring screaming time.

Down on the floor, I'm eye to eye, so to speak, with the underbelly of our aged refrigerator. This particular appliance has its condenser coils not in the back, like a normal refrigerator, but underneath. To vacuum the extremely dusty coils, an essential task of spring screaming, I have to lie on my stomach, vacuum cleaner nozzle in hand.

I hit the switch on the vacuum cleaner, and something goes wrong. Suddenly, my Dirt Devil thinks it's a leaf blower. Instead of sucking at the coils, it vigorously puffs at them. It's as though it's trying desperately to blow out the candles on a gigantic birthday cake. Dirt and dust go EVERYWHERE.

There is dust in my hair, mouth, and eyes. I'm blind with dust.

As I writhe on the floor in dust-covered agony, I take a moment to recall how I read recently in The New York Times that two brands of robotic vacuum cleaners are now marketed in the United States. I'm thinking maybe I should forsake the aptly named Dirt Devil and buy myself a robot instead.

According to the Times, a robotic vacuum cleaner does pretty much what you'd think it would: It moves freely around the room, sucking up dust and dirt and occasionally bumping into the furniture. (Although the cynic in me figures you could just blindfold the dog, tie a Swiffer to his tail, and get the same results.)

Anyway, the two robotic vacuum cleaners sold in America are called, respectively, the Roomba and the Karcher Robo.

They don't really sound like vacuum cleaners, do they? They sound like characters in a Disney movie. "Join Roomba and Karcher Robo in an all-new Disney adventure! Nature hates a vacuum, but your WHOLE FAMILY will love these sassy little dust catchers as they sing and dance their way into your heart!"

The Roomba is manufactured in America. Its motto is, "If it's down there, we'll get it." Meaning, I guess, that, unlike the rest of us, Roomba will know exactly what to do with those underpants a male member of the family deposited on the bathroom floor back in 1998.

Karcher Robo is manufactured in Germany. It doesn't have a motto. It does have an owner's manual, written in hilariously tortured English, that I found on the Internet (www.mower-magic.co.uk/acatalog/rc3000_manual.pdf).

The owner's manual makes the Karcher Robo sound almost human (or at least like a motorist during Seattle's rush hour, which is the same thing): "It moves according to the random method. If the robot bumps into an obstacle, it changes its direction at a random angle. Then it goes straight ahead until it bumps into the next obstacle."

The manual also offers a Frequently Asked Questions section, which contains the following query:

Q: What is important with respect to children?

Well! What IS important with respect to children? A happy childhood? Unconditional love?

The Karcher Robo owner's manual is as single-minded as the vacuum cleaner itself. So the answer comes back:

A: The robot should not be left unattended if children are in the same room. Mechanical damages are likely if children sit on the robot while it is in operation.

Oh, I see. The Karcher Robo people aren't offering advice on child-rearing. And they aren't worried a robotic vacuum cleaner may eat our offspring.

They're worried kids might mistake the Karcher Robo for a Barbie Beach Buggy and take the whole neighborhood for a spin.

Anyway, these are some of my thoughts as I recover from the dust explosion in my kitchen.

Later, after cleaning myself up, I inspect my Dirt Devil and see that the reason it malfunctioned is that the bag is overfilled. To be fair, that one is my fault, isn't it?

Of course, that would never happen with the Karcher Robo. As soon as the Karcher Robo's dirt container is full, it "returns automatically to the Base Station." Which sounds as if it not only sucks up your family's dirt but ultimately delivers it to the Space Shuttle.

In the end, I empty the Dirt Devil into my family's own personal Base Station (a.k.a., the garbage can) and go on to vacuum the entire house.

Then I spend the next two days washing windows, walls, and floors. By Sunday evening, the house is immaculate.

There is, however, one small problem.

After removing the patina of dirt, dust, and grime that has bedizened our cozy Maple Leaf residence throughout the winter months, it's apparent to even the most casual observer that now the whole place desperately needs something else: A paint job.

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E-mail Jane at janeexplains@comcast.net