Seattle Sun Newspaper - Vol. 8, Issue 3, March 2004

Copyright 2004 Jane Lotter. Do not use without written permission.

JANE EXPLAINS:

Trouble in mind

By JANE LOTTER

I worry about things.

I worry, for example, about those 11 missing mad cows. The ones the government couldn't find. If you were a mad cow, wouldn't it be hard enough knowing you're fated to go incurably insane without having to take it on the lam from the feds?

I imagine the cows traveling in-cow-nito to Seattle and holing up somewhere, like characters in a Gary Larson cartoon, disguised as Starbucks baristas. They live together in one of those large rental houses in the University District. Every night, after work, they play cards, order a vegetarian pizza, and watch each other for signs of insanity.

After several weeks one of them cracks. "I can't take it!" she screams at the others. "Living like this is such a downer!" She hesitates, realizing she's just made a faux pas. "So to speak."

"Well, what do you suggest?" asks the leader of the herd coolly. "Shall we go back to Canada?"

"No," she says. Tears fall from her bovine orbs. "That would be worse."

"What worries me," muses a hip, world-weary cow, "are those news reports saying some of us may have already been consumed. Maybe we're dead, and we just don't know it. Maybe living in a large rental house in the University District is like, you know, No Exit or something. You've read Sartre."

While everybody ponders that one for a minute, one of the other cows is chewing her cud and doing a crossword puzzle. "What's a two-letter word for bovine spongiform encephalopathy?" she wonders aloud.

"Us," says one of the cheekier cows. They all round on him.

The leader raises a hoof. "Whoa!" he says. "Calm down, everyone. We've been over this before. The government is dropping the investigation. After things cool off, we'll blow this burg and reenter America's food supply. Simple."

* * *

I worry.

I worry that the world's richest biotech, Amgen, spent $10 million constructing a footbridge here in Seattle that could have been built for one-tenth that amount. Did you read about this?

The Seattle Times said the bridge, which crosses over some railroad tracks, has custom-fabricated steel beams and stainless steel handrails and cables. This twisted, ostentatious structure supposedly symbolizes human DNA. I worry it symbolizes corporate thinking. ...

* * *

I worry when I'm sitting in the dark at the Metro Cinemas. I worry some disembodied woman with a British accent is going to tell me for the millionth time "the language of film is universal." Sure it is, honey. And Hollywood's gone intergalactic. I worry by the time I've watched half a dozen movie trailers, I'll have forgotten what film I came to see. ...

* * *

I worry the 18th century French writer Joseph de Maistre was right and every country really does have the government it deserves. ...

* * *

I have on-the-job worries. I worry "Seattle Sun" is an oxymoron. I worry the only people who can understand this column are dyslexic. ...

* * *

I worry that when President Bush says he's against gay marriage but not gay people, that's like saying he's against civil rights but not civilians. ...

* * *

I worry that even though the Space Needle really does have a sharp, needle-like object on top, the structure itself is pointless. ...

* * *

I worry if the City puts lids on all the reservoirs, they'll forget where we keep the water. ...

* * *

I worry that someone who can't sleep is an insomniac, someone who's out of his mind is a maniac, yet a type of luxury car is a Cadillac. ...

* * *

I worry about Costco cards, MasterCards, Target cards, QFC cards, Albertsons cards, Safeway cards, Social Security cards, Nordstrom cards, Bon-Macy cards, J.C. Penney cards, and VISA cards. How do we know they're not all really just one big card? ...

* * *

I worry.

E-mail Jane at janeexplains@comcast.net.