Seattle Sun Newspaper - Vol. 7, Issue 12, December 2003

Copyright 2003 Jane Lotter. Do not use without written permission.

JANE EXPLAINS:

Wrap it up

By JANE LOTTER

With the holidays fast approaching, this month's Jane Explains offers Sun readers a special treat: Jane's First Annual Holiday Gift Guide!

Yes! For once, I get to type those three little words dear to every writer's heart: Clip and Save.

Unless you live in a hole in the ground (and, personally, I've considered it), you know the original Alweg monorail, built in 1962 for the World's Fair, will be torn down to make way for the new Ballard-to-West Seattle monorail.

Exactly when this happens, I haven't a clue. Supposedly, the monorail cars will end up displayed in a museum somewhere, but that's not quite the same as riding in them, is it?

In the meantime, use the holidays as an excuse to shower your friends and family with collectible Alweg MONORAIL SOUVENIRS. You can purchase these unique gifts from Seattle Monorail Services at www.seattlemonorail.com (just click on "Shopping"). Available items include monorail mugs ($12), hats ($15), pens ($2) and, my personal favorite, the monorail key chain ($4.50). The reassuring ad copy for the key chain says, "great gift item," while the titillating monorail logo exclaims, "We go both ways." (You know, suddenly I feel I should be writing this for "The Stranger.")

The monorail key chain could also double as an entertaining holiday toy, wherein you act out monorail demolition scenarios. Simply place the monorail key chain on a tabletop, for example, and inform the key chain that you're a member of the Seattle City Council. Exclaim, "Sorry, you don't meet the new seismic guidelines!" Then swipe the key chain off the table onto the floor. (Note: when I last looked, 30 seconds ago, the monorail site had limited quantities of some items. So it you're going to buy, do it now.)

As long as we're discussing the monorail, I think we should also consider the Space Needle. After all, these two are the Laurel and Hardy of Seattle landmarks. You'll find oodles of SPACE NEEDLE SOUVENIRS at SpaceBase, the official gift shop at the base of the Needle. But if visiting a store filled entirely with Space Needle merchandise seems like it could cause permanent brain damage, just log on to www.spaceneedle.com and click on "Gift Shop." There you'll find some of the Needle's best sellers.

I recommend you go straight for the kitsch. Happily, when you're dealing with Space Needle souvenirs, it's all kitsch! For example, there's an item called Space Noodles ($6.95). Please, I know what you're thinking: You have enough space noodles in your life already. But although Space Noodles sounds like a description of various high-ranking government officials, it's actually a bag of pasta.

Other holiday gifts you might want to purchase for your loved ones include a Space Needle tea towel ($5.95), light-up pen ($5.95), or colorful canvas tote ($24) decorated with a vintage World's Fair scene. For a unique stocking stuffer consider the cinnamon-flavored Space Needle lollipop ($2.50).

OK, still have someone on your list who's difficult to buy for? Does this person by any chance have a cat? Then I have two words for you: KITTY'S COSTUMES. This is a feline fashion magnet set (about $14.50) that comes with one 5-inch-tall cat magnet and nine interchangeable pieces, including a tiara and pink tutu, jester hat, fishing outfit, and more. Your friend can dress up this magnetic cat to his or her heart's content (something a real cat would never put up with), then display the amusing results on the refrigerator. Available at Fireworks Gallery at University Village or you can order online at www.fridgefun.com.

Finally, we come to the PERSONAL LIBRARY KIT (about $25). This diverting little item includes 30 self-adhesive pockets (like library books used to have), insert cards, "reference only" stickers, a date stamp, stamp pad, and pencil, and is easily found at many online retail sites, including www.fredflare.com.

I love the Personal Library Kit. Frankly, I had to restrain myself from devoting the entire column to it. It's better than when you were a kid playing store, better than all the lemonade stands in the world. At last, after years of standing on the other side of the desk, YOU are the librarian. YOU have the power. YOU call up your best friend and inform her that the cheesy paperback she checked out from your personal library is two weeks overdue and she owes you 25 cents. Even better, when a visiting friend or relative carelessly fondles your first edition of "Bridget Jones's Diary," you can snatch it out of her hands and say, "Oh, I AM sorry. This particular volume belongs in our non-circulating reference section." BWAHAHAHA.

Of course, the preceding fantasy assumes you bought the Personal Library Kit as a gift for yourself and not for someone else. Which is what I recommend.

Well, that's it. Next time, we'll talk about Holiday Barbie. In the meantime, Happy Holidays! Happy Consumerism! Happy Space Noodles!

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E-mail Jane at janeexplains@comcast.net.