Seattle Sun Newspaper - Vol. 7, Issue 2, February 2003

Copyright 2003 Jane Lotter. Use only with written permission.

JANE EXPLAINS:

Prize Patrol

By JANE LOTTER

Where to begin? So much has gone on lately it's hard to know where to start. You might say I have a lot of explaining to do.

For example, I was fascinated by an article I read last month in The Seattle Times. The article said after two decades of growth, this year the Seattle area might see more people move out than move in.

Well! When I read that I felt like the hostess of a really big party who had enjoyed herself but who was now rather tired and glad to see everyone leaving. (Who ARE they anyway? Why did they come? Just look at the carpet!)

Yes, for once, folks are fleeing Seattle. Let's hope on their way out they clean up the mess they made coming in.

Speaking of messes, now Mayor Nickels wants to build a $40 million streetcar line. It would run from Westlake Center to the south end of Lake Union and, as far as I can tell, would exist largely to transport people to various commercial properties owned by billionaire Paul Allen. Oh my. And this at a time when the city is facing a budget crisis so severe we've seen cutbacks to our most basic services.

To be fair, Mr. Allen and other business owners who stand to benefit from the streetcar line are expected to pay about half the cost of building it. However, that still leaves the City $20 million short. Perhaps we could fund it by shutting down our public library system on a more frequent basis.

And get this bit of irony: Remember the $20 million that the Paul G. Allen Charitable Foundation donated over two years ago to the Seattle Public Library? Five million of it was earmarked to buy children's books. But today, the City is so broke the library system has had to reduce its operating hours, and there will be another citywide library shutdown later this year.

Just try to get at those children's books now, kiddies!

I guess when Paul Allen gives Seattle $20 million, he hopes Seattle will give him back $20 million somewhere down the road er, streetcar line.

I dreamed about Paul Allen the other night. I dreamt that my friends Amy and Michael and I went to the Cinerama to see the classic film, "Funny Girl," starring Barbra Streisand. The Cinerama, of course, is owned by Paul Allen. In my dream, he was the projectionist. When the movie was over, Mr. Allen came out of the projection booth and asked if there was anything else he could do for us. Yes, we told him, run the movie again. And while you're at it, could you bring us several cartons of Chinese food.

On another note, I'm sure you know this city invented "casual Friday." However, it's turning into casual eternity. Lately, Seattleites are dressing so haphazardly that some of us aren't dressing at all. By that I mean have you noticed this? many people on the streets of Seattle are wearing their pajamas. And I'm not just talking about the lunatics. Everybody thinks they can get away with it because they call them sweatpants, or athletic wear, or yoga pants, or some such thing.

Recently, I browsed through a rack of cotton clothing at a local department store. "Are these pajamas?" I queried the clerk.

"No, no," she protested. "They're yoga pants."

Yoga pants! What do they mean, yoga pants? Exactly how many yogis live in Seattle? And do genuine yogis even wear pants?

Naturally, I bought two pair.

In closing, I feel I should share with you some exciting news: I received a letter recently, the contents of which bowled me over. I don't have room to quote the entire missive, but I can repeat the most important part, to wit: "Publishers Clearing House is pleased to announce that Seattle resident Jane Lotter could win $10,000,000 this February when the Prize Patrol surprises a new winner."

Yes! The Prize Patrol! (Although I must confess I'm not absolutely certain who or what the Prize Patrol is. They sound a little spooky, don't they? My feeling is they may have something to do with Homeland Security.)

The letter goes on to ask, "How might Jane Lotter react should the Prize Patrol show up with the Big Check? Perhaps like some past winners, who scream, cry, or even collapse."

Well, you know me. Ten million is a lot of lattes. But when the Big Check arrives, I will not scream, I will not cry, I will not even collapse. I will mix a pitcher of martinis and then get a friend to drive me, laughing, all the way to the bank.

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E-mail Jane at janeexplains@attbi.com.