Seattle Sun Newspaper - Vol. 6, Issue 12, December 2002

Copyright 2002 Jane Lotter. Do not use without permission.

JANE EXPLAINS by Jane Lotter

My Basement

Just in time for the holidays, this month's column is dedicated to getting organized. In fact, there's a book called "Getting Organized: The Easy Way to Put Your Life in Order" by Stephanie Winston, that I recommend to you. (Ah, the many facets of Jane Explains: It's a humor column. It's a psychotic rant. It's a Holiday Gift Guide!)

"Getting Organized" has helped me manage my life throughout the last two decades, and I would quote from it now, except that it's propping up one leg of my desk. I'm afraid if I try to pull it out, everything my children's school pictures, my driver's license renewal notice, my grandmother's recipe for pumpkin pie, and the rest will fall to the floor.

I suppose you could say Seattle is a disorganized city that appeals to disorganized individuals, such as myself. That is why we dress the way we do, drive the way we do, and vote the way we do. That is why Microsoft Works is an oxymoron. That is why certain high-level employees of the Seattle Public School system must NEVER AGAIN be allowed to balance a budget. (Cash! Make them pay cash!)

I was reminded, once again, of how messy we Seattle residents are when I read last month's "Stan's Lookout" by Stan Stapp, my fellow scribe here at The Seattle Sun. I sincerely hope you saw Stan's column, because it was beyond fascinating. It was a complete inventory of garbage Stan had collected while walking through his neighborhood.

The thing that threw me for a loop when I read Stan's column was that, at first, I was convinced he'd found these things not on the street, but in my basement. The broken clothes hanger, the Metro bus schedule, the "evidence of a Safeway large cheese pizza." Surely, I'd seen all these and more just moments ago down in the laundry room?

I was home alone at the time, so I whistled a little tune and bravely laughed off such thoughts and said aloud, "Jane, get hold of yourself. What would Stan be doing in the basement?"

And then it hit me. It hit me hard. Stan found the garbage on the street, just like he said. But there's garbage on Seattle's streets AND in Seattle's basements. My mind leapt ahead to the next spooky thought: Every basement in Seattle probably looks as bad as mine. Maybe worse. And, by the way, is there a basement at Seattle Public School headquarters? How about City Hall? AAGGHH! Don't go there! Don't even think about it!

I raced to the Green Lake branch of the Seattle Public Library. (The Green Lake Library is closing, by the way, on Dec. 16 for 10 months of renovations. My guess is nine months of that will be spent on the basement.)

I checked out "Lose 200 lbs. This Weekend: It's Time to Declutter Your Life" by Don Aslett. This guy is a genius. I mean, he makes my adored Stephanie Winston ("Getting Organized") look like a weakling. The premise of this book which I recommend as the perfect holiday gift is that we all have too much stuff. Not just in our basements, but all over the house. Stuff we don't need. Stuff that hinders our progress in life. And we don't need to organize it as much as we need to JUST GET RID OF IT.

Luckily, at the exact moment I returned home, Community Services for the Blind telephoned to inform me a truck would be in my neighborhood next week. "That's swell," I said. "But could you send two? No, make it three. In fact, dispatch a convoy and we'll really go to town."

I began emptying drawers and recycling magazines with a vengeance. My husband Bob came in and asked what I was doing. "Just tidying up," I explained.

"Isn't that the designer jacket I gave you for Christmas 1982?" he queried.

"Yes, darling, it is," I replied as I stuffed it along with our children's baby toys, some Judith Krantz paperbacks, and an incredible assortment of household bric-a-brac into a Hefty bag.

"And I'll always remember how sweet you were to give it to me."

"But what are you doing with it?" he asked.

"This jacket is 20 years old," I said. "Time it grew up and moved out of the house."

"You're decluttering, aren't you?" Bob asked.

"Yes," I admitted cautiously. "Do you mind?"

"Mind?" he echoed. "Mind?! For years we've been weighed down by too many possessions. Let's give it all the boot."

"Darling!" I exclaimed. "The secret is out! THIS is your holiday gift: freedom from the oppressive burden of material objects!"

"Sugar," he replied, taking me in his arms for that big moment under the mistletoe, "I couldn't be happier. To tell you the truth, it's exactly what I wished for."