By JANE LOTTER

Like the rest of America, I'm trying hard to get back to normal. This is difficult for me, however, because (and perhaps you have this problem as well) I was never normal to begin with.

I do know that in the past few weeks I've learned more about the Middle East than I ever dreamed possible. Regis, darling, I'm ready: Go ahead, ask me the capitol of Uzbekistan.

Along with getting back to normal, we're also supposed to be on high alert. But as my friend Caprice says, please, Mr. Big Shot Attorney General, enough with the high alerts already. With all these high alerts, America reminds me of my aging Hamilton Beach blender: run it on high for more than 10 seconds and it starts smoking; leave it on any longer and sparks shoot out the back. A blender, like the American people, can only take so much pressure.

Personally, I sometimes find solace at my neighborhood video store, which is Reckless Video, located in the heart of beautiful Maple Leaf. I love Reckless Video because it is well-run and friendly and they have every video you will ever need. Frankly, if Reckless doesn't have it, you don't need to watch it.

At the video store, I discovered I could both get back to normal (rent a video) and be on high alert (total paranoia). I did this by renting "Not Without My Daughter," starring Sally Field. Have you seen this movie? I had missed it somehow, although it came out 10 years ago so it's not like I didn't have the time.

"Not Without My Daughter" is the true story of an American citizen, Betty Mahmoody, who made the mistake of marrying a conservative Middle Eastern man without first having him evaluated by a mental health professional. Let me tell you, this guy's nickname was Moody, which was supposedly short for Mahmoody, but in reality was a tip-off as to his true emotional state.

In 1984, Betty (I'm guessing she was under the influence of drugs) agreed to leave America and go with her husband and 4-year-old daughter for a two-week visit to Iran, her husband's native country. At that time, the Ayatollah Khomeni was running the place. I don't want to be cruel about this, but with a no-nonsense name like Betty you'd think Mrs. Mahmoody would have had more sense. Betty Ford, Bette Davis, Betty Friedan, these are all strong women; in your wildest dreams they would never get on a plane headed for Iran, especially if the ticket was stamped "one-way."

In the movie, when Betty first arrives in Iran she is welcomed with a freshly killed goat, and somehow, right off the bat, you know this is not a culture that participates in Bonus Time at the Clinique counter. Things get worse when, at the end of the two weeks, Betty's husband announces they are not returning to America; he has tricked her and they are going to live in Iran, where she will learn to cook Middle Eastern cuisine.

Not only that, Betty discovers she's a virtual prisoner. She has no rights - not even the right to wear makeup and fashionable clothing - and must run around draped in a chador. For Betty Mahmoody and her daughter, Iran quickly shapes up to be like one of those Roach Motels: by that I mean they check in, but they can't check out. The rest of the movie documents their harrowing attempts to escape.

I tried to imagine what it felt like to be Betty and the best I could come up with was how terrified I would feel if my husband Bob tricked me into visiting his native home of West Seattle and then told me I had to live there forever, cook him Hamburger Helper, and dress in polyester.

I will admit that recent television news footage showing women in Afghanistan wearing burkhas makes the chadors on the Iranian women in "Not Without My Daughter" look almost kicky. At least with a chador you can (sometimes) see a woman's face and the outline of her head; a woman in a chador looks basically like one of the backup nuns in "The Sound of Music." But women in burkhas are covered completely from head to toe, like containerized shipping. I mean, they look like they're wearing slipcovers; put three of them next to each other in a sitting position and you've got a sofa set. Myself, I could never live in a society that demands I dress like a BarcaLounger - which is one more reason I'm staying on high alert.

So, anyway, if you feel yourself drifting from high alert to medium-high or even simmer, go rent "Not Without My Daughter." The first 20 minutes along will catapult you into hyper alert and keep you there for some time. As for me, I'm taking the additional precaution of stocking up on No Doz. And if that doesn't work, I'll just throw myself in the blender and press Pulverize. (