By JANE LOTTER

I have reached that stage in my life (birth) where I don't care if someone thinks I'm a noodlehead.

Therefore, I'm certain that long-time readers (and it does take some of you a long time to read this column, doesn't it?) will understand my rambling and incoherent display of emotion when I tell you I'm overwhelmed by the cards, letters and $100 bills so many of you sent in response to my column a few months back about the new Target store at Northgate North. Thank you!

And special thanks to Mrs. T.T. Nimbus of Ballard - I had no idea the Jet City Maven readership was so farflung - who went to all that trouble of baking me a homemade pound cake. The ground glass inside was a unique and festive touch.

OK, so let's get to those letters.

Dear Jane,

What was that nonsense you printed about parking problems at the new Target? Leave your gas-guzzling auto at home and do what I do - take the monorail or light rail. For that matter, try the new Northgate Camel Caravan or just flap your arms and fly.

-Unimpressed

Dear Unimpressed,

Thank you for your upbeat missive, which - I observe by the postmark - was dispatched from the Lizzie Borden Women's Residence for the Reality Challenged. I will certainly take your suggestion about light rail; if not today, then in the year 2020 when it becomes available. I had not heard about the Northgate Camel Caravan (am I the only one?) and, quite frankly, hope to never hear about it again. However, I'll keep an eye peeled in hopes of spotting a column of these lovable, dim-witted "ships of the desert" plodding up and down Fifth Avenue. What an ingenious solution to the Northgate area's traffic problems!

Dear Jane,

A while back I read in your column about those shopping cart escalators at Target. My boyfriend and I had nothing better to do, so we thought we'd take a look. But when we got to Target the escalators had broken down. Apparently, those escalators are always breaking down. What gives?

-Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

What do you mean, "you had nothing better to do"? Dump this guy. Find a man who will honor the shopping goddess within you and who will take you someplace nice, like University Village or Hawaii.

Dear Jane, aka Puddinhead,

Those merchandise transporters you saw at Target are not called "shopping cart escalators." They are called Vermaports.

-Jet City Maven Proofreader

Dear Jet City Maven Proofreader,

I stand corrected! I went back to investigate and, sure enough,there was a sign hanging by one of the broken-down shopping cart escalators. The sign said, "Our Vermaport is temporarily out of service. Please use the escalators behind the escalators."

P.S. There were three typos in last month's column. Time for that long-awaited laser eye surgery?

Dear Jane,

Why aren't more shops opening up in Northgate North? I mean, it's this huge, boxy complex and nobody's moving in. It's like something out of a Stephen King novel.

-Gives Me The Creeps

Dear Gives,

As far as I know, Stephen King has absolutely no involvement with Northgate North. It is true that Mr. King's scary TV mini-series "Rose Red" recent completed filming in Seattle and Mr. King visited our area on more than one occasion. However, to the best of my knowledge, the master of horror is not opening an electronics store or launching a signature line of women's clothing.

I think the most we might infer (and I got this from my Ouija board) is that the titan of terror may draw on the spookiness of Northgate North as inspiration for his next writing project.

Dear Jane,

Why do you call your column "Jane Explains"? I've been reading you for over a year now and you haven't explained a darn thing. In fact, as far as I can tell, you're only adding to the general confusion.

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

That's right, missy, and I intend to keep it that way.