By JANE LOTTER

I LOST 40 POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS! That's right. I, Jane Lotter, LOST 40 POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS! I went to London and somebody picked my pocket.

But I'm back in Seattle now and I'm here to talk about the oodles of fall books recently arrived in local bookstores. Frankly, at this time of year, just walking into the University Book Store throws me into an existential panic as I vacillate between the classics (The Bedside MAD) and contemporary high-brow literature (Bridget Jones's Diary).

I was therefore grateful when a close friend (actually a co-worker - well, OK, some guy I met in the bus tunnel) recommended several new books to me. This fellow swears these works are genuine and can be ordered off the Internet simply by using a major credit card and providing a few trivial personal details such as the sexual proclivities of your cat and a complete history of your intimate apparel purchases over the last 10 years. And so, as a waiter at Mona's said to me, just before he knocked a vodka martini into my lap, "Enjoy."

GARDENING WITH COFFEE

Seattle's own Googie Perk, renowned master gardener and inebriate, shows you how to successfully cultivate herbs and medicinal plants using nothing more complicated than Starbuck's Breakfast Blend. Includes Googie's secret method for nurturing hemp with coffee cake, coffee toffees, and Irish coffee.

DADDY RICHEST The planet's wealthiest tyke, three-year-old Jennifer Gates (daughter of Bill) tells all in this revealing autobiography. ("When Mommy says 'Clean up your room,' I always ask, 'Here - or in the East wing?'") An exclusive look at Jennifer's hopes, dreams, retirement package. Bonus: Jennifer brings new meaning to the expressions "dethroned" and "sibling rivalry" when she explains how it feels to share the world's largest family fortune with her new baby brother.

'TIS NOT

'Tis. 'Tis not. 'Tis.

HARRY POTTER

Best-selling, wordy, rather complicated children's story, written by an Englishwoman apparently, goodness knows why, about a hirsute little boy who dreams of transforming raw clay into earthenware and who goes on a seemingly endless quest for a magical kiln.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN MIDDLE SCHOOL

How much money do your parents have? Where do you buy your clothes? Are you a lesbian? These are some of the brutal lessons we learn in middle school that stay with us all our lives. Seattle author Robert Fulsome explains how the cruel, petty teen years prepare us for the shallow, grasping grownup decades to come.

WHEN I AM OLD I SHALL WEAR MY PANTS ON BACKWARDS

A treasury of poems, stories and incomprehensible rambling celebrating the early stages of senility and the freedom that comes with the downsizing of the brain. Buy it for someone you love, before you forget who they are.

CHARLOTTE'S WORLD WIDE WEB

A techie spider named Charlotte saves a lovable pig named Wilbur from certain death by spamming cryptic messages ("Terrific System," "Some Browser") into cyberspace. The messages eventually attract the attention of the Justice Department, and Charlotte and Wilbur find themselves the focus of an antitrust investigation.

FAT HEAD, FAT BODY

It's not your body's fault you're overweight. It's your BRAIN that tells the counterperson at the Metro Cinemas, "Extra butter, please!" Train your body to ignore your brain when the latter makes dubious statements like, "I'm opening the refrigerator door, but just to take a peek."

Make the connection, share the excitement, pick up the dry cleaning, go read a book.

Jane Lotter lives in Maple Leaf.