By JANE LOTTER

"Starbucks Encore (TM) is a coffee delivery service like no other. It's like having your own personal Starbucks store right on your doorstep."

- Magazine advertisement

Dear Celeste,

Greetings from Latte Land! I expect you've seen news reports concerning the recent Starbucks shortage here in Seattle; Larry King, Charlie Rose, and even Oprah devoted entire shows to it. Well, dear friend, the crisis was everything you heard and more.

I remember when you last visited Seattle you remarked, between cappuccinos, that there seemed to be a Starbucks on every corner. And you were right: there is.

Unfortunately, that still wasn't enough to keep up with the citizenry's insatiable demand for coffee, coffee, and more coffee. I myself drink two or three carafes of mocha java a day - and that's before breakfast. My mother, God bless her, is on a continuous caffeine drip; she walks around the nursing home pushing a coffee pot on a pole in front of her.

But what about the Starbucks shortage, you ask? How did things get so out of hand? In a word: software. Then endless influx of software developers and technogeeks meant Seattle's population of caffeine addicts had swelled up bigger than Paul Allen's midsection. The result was horrendously long lines at Starbucks; two and three hour waits simply to get an Americano.

The mayor and city council were forced to hold an emergency meeting. My dear, the upshot is that EACH AND EVERY HOUSEHOLD in Seattle is to have its own personal Starbucks store right on its doorstep.

The general feeling here now is of jubilation. Two days ago, work began in earnest on doorsteps, stoops and entryways throughout the city. The noise is tremendous! Hammering, sawing, and the joyful sound of jackhammers are everywhere.

Yesterday morning, coming back from my daily run around Green Lake, I had to step over no less than three construction workers just to get in the front door. Al, Dutch, and Mario - for such were their names - had finished installing the espresso machine and were positively giddy from belting back countless test lattes. They spent the rest of the day swilling house blend, sweating profusely, and ringing the doorbell every 10 minutes asking to use the bathroom. Miraculously, they finished the job on time and now I know the joy of having my own personal Starbucks store right on my doorstep.

Of course, there's still the odd duck who insists on quacking. My 90-year-old neighbor, for one, stood out on her front lawn and in a high, quavering voice kept protesting to the workers on her doorstep, "But I drink tea! Tea with lemon!" Not anymore, sweetheart.

Then, too, another of my neighbors was upset because of delays in getting his own personal Starbucks store completed. (It was all due to some bureaucratic nonsense about the width of his vestibule, or the size of his portal, or possible the astonishing length of his veranda.) Amazingly, he seemed to think this trifling snafu entitled him to the use of MY personal Starbucks store in the interim. After much wrangling, I appeased him with a double-tall nonfat and a complimentary scone. Then I sent him packing with the clear proviso that, in the future, I reserve the right to refuse service.

As you see, life is not all biscotti and bran muffings. For one thing, even though Christmas is months away, I nevertheless wake up screaming in anticipation of the frenzied schedule I'll doubtless endure at the holidays: setting up the window displays, preparing those little Starbucks gift baskets, making sure the Christmas Blend arrives on time, that sort of thing.

Listen, darling, I recall that during your visit here you coveted an espresso maker and a pair of those souvenir Starbucks mugs, but you were pinching pennies at the time and abstained from making any purchases. Now that I have my own personal Starbucks store, right on my doorstep as it were, don't be surprised if a veritable potpourri of coffee paraphernalia arrives on YOUR threshold one of these days, with my compliments.

Yours form the ever-changing Emerald City,

Bettina

Jane Lotter is a Maple Leaf resident.